lost

curled up, holding myself, feeling empty.
dejected, cascading warm waters enveloping me,
washing away my sorrow and grief, creating more.
surrounded with comfort, in a womb once more;
surrounded with pain, drowning once more;
despairing attacks of panic, scared
of what? of loss, utter loss
happiness, joy, and content fulfillment
smiles, laughter
no more, I fear, or do I delude myself so?
a smile, so hard to fake, I miss ...
everything I can't have, everything I know I need:
a look, a touch, a laugh, a smile in your eyes
a comforting feeling ... where is it?
weeping, total and complete abandon
succumbing to the hot water, fighting the hot tears
losing both battles, mercilessly pouring out
everything in me, talking to no-one
hoping you hear me, apologies and pleas,
vows heard only by droplets falling
falling, slipping down the drain,
soaked in water, tears, regret, pain, and hope
hope of something else, but washed out
sleepless night, tossing, turning, staining my pillow
with pain, terrifying haunting dreams
trapping me in fetters, waking up in a daze
like a ghost of me, I trudged through a schedule
as in another dream
unable to think of anything else
thinking, thinking, thinking, digging myself in deeper
over-analyzing, letting the tears fall in secret
hidden emotions bared to no-one,
silently pleading, begging for help
to no-one who can hear me
please, please hear me

frustration

For every verbal jab you take at me,
one tear rolls down.
Unseen, unnoticed.
I want to scream at you too, I wan to hurt you back,
I want to stand up and disrespect you back.
I want to take jabs at your heart too.
Call you ungrateful, call you insolent and lazy,
call you words we both know you're not.
I want to show you how hard this is
I want you to know how I truly feel
How much I need for you to just leave me be
I know what I'm doing.
I know what I need.
Don't ask about my sleep schedule
Don't ask about my work ethic
Don't ask about my mood
Don't ask about my eating habits
I have enough to deal with
Without you taking constant jabs
At me, at him, at us. At me!
Stop it, let me do my work alone
I don't need your jokes
I don't need your input
I don't need your immaturity right now
Just leave me be

Adjective Noun Verb, exception

faltering sunlight streaming

lace curtains billowing

vanilla candles ~ wafting

sensual strawberries ... mmm ...

(silky sheets enveloping)

rose...

....petals

............drifting

gently, hands caressing









feather pillows forgotten










increasing steam GATHERING

contented sighs escaping

excited chests heaving

lusciouslipsmeeting

eyes - frantic - rolling

electric.
shocks.
flashing.


gentle fingers exploring

gasping lips -
- parting


sacred meetings

repeating

Moondance (inspired by Moondance)

As the moon crawls up into the starry stage
Silent flowers, watching, they bloom
We lazily sleep away the night
Missing out on their nightly romance
Well as we lie together tonight
I see stars dancing in your eyes
You smile and we do our own little dance
Only flowers and moon dancing by
Between the stars and the moon that shine
Such a spectacle to behold
And the flowers that reach up high
they sway, oh, they sway
And when I look at you
I see love dancing in your eyes
I see desire burning so bright
I know I can't hide
Can I stay up to watch my moon dance
with you, my darling?
Can I lay here watching my stars,
with you, my love?

what started as a sonnet and never became one (#25)

Hello stranger, you've for years been gone
You left quick, no for love you've come to look
A love lost, for no attention was paid
To the burning passion within her heart
Now you return, Eden's garden awaiting
Since Lucifer held no allure
For someone like you, no, you want her back
What makes you think she will still be waiting?
She could belong to someone else
Or all alone, waiting for your love
Don't worry your pretty little head
She will be forever waiting
Until the day you finally return
Return home, return to her
To her arms and in yours she will jump
She will wait forever if she has to
You are always worth it and she will be forever yours

untitled and undated (#21)

If only one day you'd see, but you never will. I am too afraid to let you in, too afraid of being hurt, but longing to be yours.

Open your eyes, I'm no longer scared. See me for me and not the facade you see everyday, see me for the one you love, if only. If only.

Untitled and undated (#20)

To everything there is a darker side, a side seldom seen by anyone. A side so dark that black coal looks light and the abyss of night seems a pale sight. That side of me that holds those things which ought not be seen, but I find myself longing for you to see this other side of me. If only you'd open your eyes you'd see how my heart aches for you, how my heart breaks when you look away, how I long for those accidental brushes of our hands. I tell you to stop, but I don't mean it. Never stop. Stay with me. Love me before it all fades away. Before your beautiful eyes become no more than dust in the wind. Before your touch transforms to mere memory, swallowed by the tide. Before I forget the sight of your smile. Before it all fades away into the darkest side of me.

Untitled and undated (#19)

I sit here, with you
You know I am here
Yet you don't see
The darker side of me

The side that longs for you
To be with me, for you
To hold me, for you
To see me

The side of me that
Fell for you when
You first loved me
So many years ago

The side that looks at you
With ravenous hunger
In its passionate eyes
Whenever you are near

The side that longs for
Your soft touch and
For to finally love me
The way I love you

The First Kiss (#31)

You hold me close in your arms
So tight the embrace
Staring deeply into my eyes
We are all alone here

You smile, you positively glow
Your eyes sparkle
We lean into each other
With every second we grow closer

My lips part in anticipation
I can smell your sweet scent
I could count every gold fleck
That shines in your eyes

Our lips make contact
Magic explodes around me
Your hand holding mine
Your arm around my waist

Exuberantly elated
The kiss ceases
You stare into my eyes
Our smiles widen

Why fight?

Angry whispers crescendo
Louder, penetrating walls
Louder, breaking down doors
The door I closed to shut them both out
As they yell, Louder, Louder!!!
I close the door, lock the door
Hug my stuffed animals, turn up the music
Can't hear my own thoughts
But I can still hear them
Can still feel my tears
Rolling down my cheeks
As they fight
Horrid names fly under the door
Under my skin, into my heart
Television volume turned up
So my siblings don't see
My music turned up louder
Competing with them, hiding my sobs
So they don't see what they do to me
Fighting, fighting, over what?
What's the use? The same fight
Again and again, louder and louder
Same argument, same names, same fight
I hide further away in my mind
Lose myself in the music
As the tears roll down
Flow down, cascade down
Like rivers into waterfalls
Fighting, fighting, why?
Is it over? I think it is
Is it safe to approach either?
My sullen father? My crying mother?
Who to comfort? Neither
Cause once again, the perfect family
Only to wait until another frayed link breaks
And the same fight begins

I Need You To Love Me (#10)

I want to talk to you
To laugh with you
To smile with you
To joke with you
Can't you see that I need you?
I want to be with you
To run away with you
To walk with you
To spend lifetimes with you
Don't you see? I need you.
I want to be in love
For always and forever
Plus one extra day
Just to be with you more.
My life is perfect when I'm with you
A disaster when you're gone
I hate it when you're away
I want you to stay
I need you to stay
I need you to need me to
I need you to love me

Aura

When you finally found service,
I jumped for joy and smiled until this very moment.
I slept though the night,
I went through the rest of my day
With "an aura of elation"
as my sweet grandmother described it.
Tidal waves of relief flooded through my being
When I heard your voice again,
Your sweet voice, oh how I'd missed it
So much I missed you.
Knowing you were safe and on your way home,
I took off the necklace yesterday,
Knowing it clashed with my clothes.
I spent the day at the pool
Accompanied by my entire family,
But I could not help looking at my phone
Every hour or so, I wanted it.
I wanted a connection to you nearby ...
My grandmother kept reminding to stop smiling,
That my face would freeze that way.
They wonder why I was feeling so ...
Playful towards my siblings,
Why I cleaned my room without being asked,
Why I washed the dishes for dinner on time instead of at midnight,
Why I consented to so many unusual things,
All the while smiling like a little fool.
With an aura of elation, exuding happiness.
Why?
Because you're back home, nearby, safe.
I'm still smiling, incessantly, sweetly,
Lost in thought, reminiscing about you.
A smile and an aura.

Chick Lit

You know what I noticed yesterday at my favorite used-book store?
There's whole bookcases marked by the genre Chick Lit.
GENRE!!! It's a genre!!! Why?
and besides Chick Lit was the Romance section ...
Guess what? Everything was pink, whole isles of pink covers
pastel pink, hot pink, blinding amounts of pink
with titles like "Better in Bed" and "Cliques and Love"
Meaningless books about meaningless things,
Preppy girls talking about virginity and hot boys
Lip gloss, shopping, hating school, boys, boys, boys.
Those romance books? With the half-naked girls swooning and draped over the arm of those half-naked overly-muscular ape-like men.
No wonder women and girls are deemed less competent than boys and men.
These books are all used and continue to fly off the shelves, why?
Because women and girls really do read this trash and enjoy it,
Delving into stacks of these so-called novels,
frittering away their summers and endless years,
killing off brain-cells, reading these ... I hate to even call them books.
Don't women understand that they can read better books and not lose any femininity?
Being intelligent and learning and enjoying intellectuality is not wrong or unfeminine. Jesus, why? Women have come so far and it is people like these who hold women back.
Why do they even place these "books" next to the science fiction and the mysteries?
Why next to the philosophies of the Dalai Lama?
I don't understand it, so I walk away with "Crime and Punishment,"
"Brave New World," "Vinegar Hill," "Napoleon's Buttons," and "One Heart."

Four Months

(I know I'm one day early, but I couldn't help myself. It just came to me and I knew I'd lose it if I didn't write it this very moment.)


You've been gone for only a few days,
But already I find it hard, so very hard,
To go through the day-to-day routine.
I can't sleep at night: I'm worried.
I've been having nightmares, bad dreams,
I worry about you, are you hurt?
Please don't be, I pray, each night,
Each time I wake up from these nightmares,
Each time I try to fall back asleep.
I hug the phone and fiddle with the necklace,
Over and over, until I'm again asleep.
Sleeping is futile, but being awake?
Yet a completely different nightmare.
I refuse to take off the necklace,
Thought it may not match my clothes.
I refuse to leave my phone behind,
Though I know you can not call.
I do everything to take my mind off you
But inevitably I come right back you.
I read a book and something reminds me of you.
I watch my favorite show and that damn dancer has your name.
I wash dishes, mow lawns, clean pools, walk Phoebe,
Cook meals, clean rooms, babysit, bathe Phoebe,
write poems not about you that lead to poems about you,
lie in the hammock to stare at the sky and it rains, reminding me of you.
So I try to sleep.
What is this nonsense?
I feel like one of those girls in romance novels,
Too helpless to lead my own life without you,
Losing sleep worrying over you,
trying to do everything to remember you're enjoying yourself.
Don't get me wrong, I've been having fun too.
I've had a pretty good time,these past few days,
But it takes so much focus to get you out of my mind.
Jeez, why is this so hard?
Being apart from you ... I've done this before,
I went months without talking to you before,
so why this now? Why is this so hard on my heart?
How have you managed to take complete hold of my heart and mind?
I miss you. I truly do, I guess that's why I can't sleep,
Why I can't think of anything but you,
Why all those songs make me feel like I'm about to cry.
I miss you.
That simple.
I miss you.

Paper Treasures in Cardboard Trash

(So this lady was at my favorite used-books store and was trying to donate a huge box full of books but they kinda didn't want them, but I looked at this one book and she offered to let me look through the whole box. I got three books for leisure reading and two books that were on my summer reading list. I had a great time today. I thoroughly enjoyed myself at the used-book store ... though ... when do I not? : hehehe )




Sweet Southern woman
Stands in my favorite place,
That old used-book store,
Her cardboard box full,
Laden, with books.
Precious paper tomes.
Smells of the ocean.
Both old and new.
Books never heard of.
Books I had looked for.
Giving them away
to that old used-book store,
But they did not want any
and now three
belong to me.
She had no clue
what precious treasures
She held in her cardboard box
clearly marked Trash.

the poem I wrote you for our three months. I finished it this morning - it was missing the last word.

When the rain showers the earth and fields
When the stars sparkle and the moon shines
When the evening shadows and the daylight brightens
When the sunshine smiles down on me
All I think of is you and the love I feel
I'd go hungry, I'd go blind for you
I'd walk miles, I'd cross rivers for you
There's nothing I wouldn't do to make you feel my love

When the storms are raging on the open seas
When the winds of change blow wild and free
When my heart is beating incessantly
When you smile at me and hold me close
All I think of is you and how you make my dreams come true
I'd offer you the world and more
To make you feel my love
I'd hold you in my arms for a million years
There's no doubt in my mind where I belong
I'd go to the ends of the earth for you
If only to make you feel my love

When the sands of time pass
Slowly and tenderly, stretching eternity
Quickly and brutally, taking from me time with you
When you look in my eyes and say those three words
Each time so different and yet
Each time the same feeling blooms within me
And all I can think of is you and any way
To make you feel my love

para mi papi

Margarita esta linda la mar y el viento,
tu me leias a mi, tu vos como una cancion
tan dulce, esas memorias, como un cariño
de esos dias pasados, cuando yo era chiquita
cuand yo cabia en un solo brazo tuyo,
cuando tus camisas eran mis bestidos de angelita.

Sanity ... written on a whim

In some place far, far away, very far away
Far away from ringing bells and classes
Far from these clogged hallways
Far from teachers, coaches, assignments
Far from stress and drama
Far from whitewashed walls
Lies my sanity

Please don't worry

The Damned Disease pieces are FICTIONAL, not real, not about me. I love love and I do not feel any of the feelings described in those stories, nor have I ever felt that way.

The Damned Disease part 4 (#45)

Help me! Please a savior is all I need to rescue me from this pit of darkness that is clawing at my soul. The vast depths of eternity are spread at my feet. Lurking around each corner is a new darker entity waiting, watching me with hollow stones. Waiting for the time when the disease spreads through my veins and tears me apart. I once was strong but now my resolve is slipping. I'm crumbling, cracked and frayed with stress and pain. It has wormed its way into my dreams, trapping me in a never-ending cycle of torture and pain. Oh please help me! Suffocating, tormenting, raping my mind of all pure thoughts and replacing them with dark destructive images. The very air which I breathe is laced with the poison that is love. It's all around me threatening to envelope my being, taunting me with images that strike my already beaten heart with 1000 knives of hot raging fury. The flames of hell lick at my flesh and the devil laughs in my face, his putrid breath invades my throat, choking me until I feel the darkness pulling me down, swallowing me until I can not fight anymore. What have I become?