non-poetic blog entry (attempt 2)

So most of my blog posts have poetic elements to them or are complete poems themselves, and that is the way I express myself. When occurrences in my life don't go exactly the way I want them to or afterwards, I find myself thinking of what I want to write. It's sorta just the way I'm programmed, I don't do very well outside of poetry and the more poetic prose (prosetry). Anyways, the last entry was entirely about my dear grandmother, was entirely un-poetic, and it helped me express what I was feeling better than anything else, so I thought I'd give it a shot again. I was gonna let this go last time it got deleted but good god do I need to write this all down, I'm too unhinged not to.

Anyways, since my grandmother's been here (16 days and counting), I've been somewhat less than unhappy for some reasons. She talks AT me, not to me, not with me; she nitpicks at every little thing I do; she observes quietly and then brings things back up for her advantage; she irks me like no other. For example, two nights ago she waited until everyone had left us alone so she could reprimand me not he way I had just treated my sister: I should look her in the eye when I talk to her, I should not be so condescending, I should be more patient with her ideas and questions, I should remember that she is only 11 and that she doesn't know as much as I do. Good god, I have two parents sitting right next to you and they are plenty enough people to reprimand me for doing things incorrectly, eve if my sister deserves it for being so goddamn annoying all the time. She waits until everyone is gone and talks AT me for hours about things that don't concern me that I never wanted to know about, as if they're supposed to serve as examples for me later on.

Well dear grandma, here's what I've learned in the past 16 days:

• don't marry the first guy you date, who is also the man your parents want to force you to marry
• don't marry said guy who is abusive, jealous, and controlling of every aspect of your life
• don't marry a guy who comes in the middle of the night to declare his love, breaks your bedroom window with his arm and then pours his blood out on your window sill to proclaim his undying love while he's drunk
• don't marry him after you dumped him
• don't have children with this man, though they will be the only thing you don't hate about this marriage
• don't eat so much out of depression that you outgrow your clothes
• don't give yourself away to the first man that comes along and "electrifies your soul"
• if the swim meet has been cancelled because it's pouring down rain and I'm soaking wet, the smartest thing to do is to dry myself off with a soaking wet towel right before walking out into the pouring rain to get into the car
• after we scramble into the car, all soaking wet, do NOT, I repeat DON'T EVER suggest we go eat out somewhere “nice and dry”, it will not end well, also DON’T start talking about hot chocolate and treating me like a baby, I’m not in a good mood and you shouldn’t try treating me like a child to cheer me up cause you’re the one getting me down
• don't gain 30 pounds in a year and then try to lose them with a diet you keep breaking every single day and then complain that you don't fit into your clothes and that the scale MUST be broken, of course it's broken
• don't complain during dinner that it's this food making you fat, you can choose not to eat it
• if I lie awake at night on my bed without actually going to bed, there is a reason I'm doing it, not because I'm a lazy sloth and NEVER call me that again, because I can wake up on time and be ready no matter how long I stayed up "doing god knows what"
• when we're eating in a rush, do NOT offer me food you absolutely know I HATE when I'm cranky because you're making us run late, I will not laugh and I most definitely will not appreciate your attempts to hug and baby me, don't touch me
• if we have to be somewhere at 9 o'clock, then isn't leaving the house at 9 o'clock going to make us late? NO FRICKING DUH we're gonna be late, but you just had to take ten minutes to get ready after we were all in the car waiting for you because you decided at the last minute to come along
• if you begged to come along, don't complain while you're forced to wait through a 10 minute swim practice, I can hear you from the water. When we get out of the water to leave, don’t ask how it was with that fake smile because I heard you say “finally” when the coach pulled us out of the water

As useful as these lovely lessons are, they are of no use to me, especially in the context in which you tried to teach them to me. I don't care, I honestly don't, it drives me up the wall that you think I'm listening. Though, these lessons may come in handy for you, especially if you’re trying to stay on my good side and if you want me not to choke you next time you asked if I remembered to clean myself completely in the shower. I’m 17, I’ve been showering alone for quite some time now and I think I know what I’m doing. Stop coming into the bathroom to talk to me while I shower, there actually is a reason I’m blaring music you hate and locked the door.

When she starts talking, I imagine myself punching her, like you see people imagine in movies, but I could never ever bring myself to do something like that, not to an older relative who holds so much power ad sway over my mother and father. I used to not have such an issue with her and her nitpicking observativeness, but I guess that was years ago when I was a lot younger and so much more passive, a dependent doormat for others. But guess what? I'm too much of an independent thinker to allow you to run my life with your "helpful suggestions,” I wish you were gone. Mommy sees how frustrated I am, she calms me down, tells me to “let you be grandma” in quick English so you don’t understand. She knows how you frustrate me, she knows you’ve gotten worse over the years, oh yes, you have and I’m just guessing that every year will just get a little bit worse....

Goody for me, I’m leaving soon and that’s much too far away for you to come visit as often. I’ll enjoy staying at your friend’s houses up in South Carolina and North Carolina, I hear they’re very beautiful. Your friends will see me more than you ever have, from the times I’ve met them I’ve gathered that they are nothing at all like you and I wonder how you’ve managed not to drive them away like you’re doing to me.

Sigh.... relaxed.... calm now..... breathing.... I feel so much better now